A critical communication skill our students will need throughout their adult lives is the ability to advocate for themselves and manage challenging conversations. During their time at LFCDS, children are taught a variety of ways to navigate difficult situations. For example, when a young child doesn’t know what to do after a classmate snatches a toy from them, a teacher will help facilitate a conversation, modeling the language they could use. This modeling continues throughout their time at LFCDS, and we continually work with students to help them find their voices in challenging situations.
When Dr. Lisa Damour, author of Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood worked with the LFCDS faculty after her public lecture, she discussed four different ways children typically deal with conflict. She labeled these approaches “Bulldozer” (aggressive/hostile), “Doormat” (passive/submissive), “Doormat with Spikes” (passive-aggressive/manipulative), and “Pillar” (standing up for themselves while respecting others).
Helping our students respond to conflict as “pillars” becomes increasingly important as they enter adolescence and adulthood. Many of us were never taught how to navigate challenging situations ourselves and can inadvertently give advice that might make the situation worse for our children.
If that is the case, how can we help our children navigate conflict? One of the most important things a parent can do is learn how to manage challenging conversations. There are numerous books on the topic, but one title that parents can benefit from is Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen.
One of the most powerful tools outlined in the book is “Finding the Feelings Lurking Under Attributions, Judgements, and Accusations.” The skill is subtle and one that requires ongoing refinement, but once developed, it significantly improves a child’s ability to communicate effectively. The authors state that a common mistake people make when expressing feelings is they translate them into judgements about other people. Children might say, “I told them how I felt. I told them they were mean and not a good friend.” Note that this statement is mainly about the other person and not about how the individual expressing it feels. More accurately expressing their own feelings might sound more like this: “I felt sad when you played with other people during recess and did not ask me if I wanted to play.”
Stone, Patton, and Heen accordingly write, “The difference between judgements about others and statements of our own feelings is sometimes difficult to see. Judgements feel like feelings when we are saying them. Unfortunately, that person probably isn’t sure what we are feeling, and more importantly, is focused on the fact that we are judging, attributing, and blaming.”
Learning to communicate thoughtfully during difficult times is a skill all children (and adults) can benefit from. By enhancing our ability to communicate thoughtfully during challenging conversations and providing helpful guidance when our children need it, we will empower them with valuable tools to help them thrive throughout adulthood.